Whenever we try to control someone we damage his/her natural instinct to survive and thrive.

• In marketing we use imperatives: "Click here!" "Buy now" "Save while you can!" In other countries, by contrast, marketing people are not allowed to use the imperative tense. They say "You can click here if you want to do this..." or "To save money, look here!" or "If you do this, this will happen." What a difference in the respect level!
• Business advice encourages and cheers abusive control: "Get the upper hand." "Win through intimidation!"
• Age-old parenting advice encourages controlling behavior: "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
• Teachers who are raising our country's children and doctors in charge of our lives rarely say "Let's try..." They say, "Do this!"

All verbal and emotional abuse seeks to control someone - to get them to behave in a way we want them to, even if it's just to get them out of our hair, or keep them "down" so we can compete with them more effectively or make them feel bad about themselves so we can feel superior.

And conversely, all behavior that tries to control you, what you do or how you feel - no matter how subtly - violates your emotional boundaries, your right to do and feel as you please, and that's ABUSE.

• Making a face when you get off the computer is an effort to get you to stop getting on the computer, maybe because you're enjoying it so much and I get jealous when the people around me are happier than I am. It's quick and efficient to make you feel bad about being happy.
• Subtle manipulative remarks keep my daughter paying more attention to me: "You're always working so much!"
• "You're way too thin" I hope will make you eat more because I'm feeling fat when I'm around you.
• Calling a son a "mama's boy" makes him afraid to get the nurturing he needs so I can control him more, get him to do what I want him to do without my wife's interference.
• (sarcastically) "It must be nice to have money" or "Are you going to have enough money to pay your rent???" is intended to make you feel guilty and irresponsible for enjoying the purchase you just described because I don't feel as free as you to enjoy my life. To assuage my jealousy I need to control you, by sabotaging your happiness.
• Even though you've told me you must leave (or have an important call on the other line) continuing to talk animatedly (or acting mad or hurt that you must go) makes it difficult for you to get away, steals your time, causes you stress and damages your reputation for promptness -- so that I have someone to talk to NOW, when I feel like it.
• "What the heck are you doing going to Paris?" I hope will make you doubt yourself, might stop you from going or at least enjoying it because I never got to go to Paris and I don't want anyone else to have more fun in life than I have felt free to have!
• "You shouldn't feel that way" --if I can get you to stop feeling this way it relieves me of
  • having to take responsibilility for what I did to you
  • or spending time being a good nurturing friend trying to understand how you feel
  • or simply stops the annoyance of having someone sad and upset in the house.
  It takes a lot less time to control you than to treat you like a human being! If I can shut you up I can get back to what I really care about! Myself!

Patricia's Latest book! Controlling People

• Subtle controllers may never raise their voices but when you go to them for help they respond as if "they've got you."
• They may deny you the sympathy you deserve as a human being, or tie controlling strings (conditions) to monetary or physical help: "I'll help you if you do this". (There's nothing like having to sign a contract at a time of emergency, eh?)
• They can be very clever and sound very sweet while they are saying what are really very cold or insulting things. ("I'm so sorry you have so many problems." This is not sympathy; this is a put-down.)
• Subtle controllers may disappear when they know you need them most - or deliberately take days to respond. (They've "got you," and they are enjoying the "power" you've given them.)
• They may say, "I'll give you your space" when they know the most important thing in your life is happening.
• They may not respond when you say something they know is very deep and personal to you - or smile in satisfaction when YOU "lose control" and cry, for example.

• Not responding logically and directly to what was JUST said.
• Changing the subject suddenly without a logical response and transition.
• Not calling you when something important is happening to you.
• Disappearing for days and then calling with no explanation, as if no time had transpired.
• Manipulating language to insult you, "You seem to be doing better" (Was I doing badly?)
• "I'm sorry you feel that way." Someone who says this is not sorry at all - at least in the mature, empathetic sense! This person is implying there's something abnormal and illogical about the way you feel, the same as saying, "You shouldn't feel that way."
• Diminishing your successes under the guise of being psychologically correct: "That must have been encouraging for you" instead of "That's GREAT! Way to go!"
• Diminishing your successes by not responding appropriately in other ways such as by remaining silent, or saying, "This means more hard word next month!" (Your work or what your success means is not his call to make.) People who are truly sharing in your success are focusing only on your success!
• Sweetly suggesting you need a psychologist (That's your decision to make.)
• Sweetly implying there's something wrong with your mental health. "Your grandmother was bipolar. You remind me very much of her." (Any remark that starts with "you" is usually a boundaries violation.)

CoDependant No More How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself A 1986 classic. Melodie invented the term Boundaries, and focuses on doing your own work.