-- Betty Ford

This list was gathered from a variety of sources (see below) and is by no means complete! See "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans, commonly referred to by therapists as "The Bible", for ALL the forms of subtle and overt verbal abuse.

EACH of these behaviors is abusive, EACH is a boundaries violation. You don't have to experience more than one of them to have the need to set some firm boundaries with your partner. Call the abuser on the behavior: "Looking at other women while you're with me is a form of emotional abuse." "Not listening to me when I talk to you is emotional abuse." "That's a boundaries transgression - get out of my space." Some of these behaviors are so overt and destructive they indicate a serious problem that should be discussed with a counselor well-versed in the work of Patricia Evans and with experience in a shelter - traditional family therapists are not recommended.

• Withholding affection, appreciation or approval as punishment or coercion
• Withholding compliments
• Withholding love
• Withholding empathy, understanding, feedback
• Withholding information (including marital financial information)
• Withholding money, food, car, friends, sleep from mate
• Withdrawing emotionally from the relationship to punish or get one's way
• Chronic impatience
• Verbal pressure for favors
• Humiliating in public or private
• Waiting for someone else to bring up the problem
• Acting superior
• Figuring out the another's problem
• "Owning" shared property
• Moving or touching someone else's things without asking
• Ignoring requests for help
• Interrupting
• Refusing to admit when wrong
• Refusing to apologize when wrong
• Denying responsibility for actions
• Body posturing to evoke fear, or to express disapproval
• Depriving one of sleep, food (and in marriage, money)
• Taking car or house keys away
• Insulting another's family or friends (to face or behind back)
• Ridiculing one's valued beliefs
• Continually criticizing mate
• Guilt-tripping
• Silent treatment
• Stonewalling, ignoring
• Not listening
• Dirty looks, sneers, and other facial expressions meant to hurt or intimidate
• Dehumanizing
• Pushy impatience

• Pouting
• Leaving inappropriately
• Changing subject w/o appropriate announcement
• Refusing to socialize with mate
• Manipulating mate with lies and/or contradictions
• Making decisions for mate
• Controlling mate's actions
• Painting the victim as an abuser
• Feigning incompetence or competence
• Economic irresponsibility
• Building financial dependence - control
• Chronic lateness
• Selfishness
• Breaking dates
• Fawning
• Endangering oneself to get rescued
• Using kids as weapons
• Threatening custody battles
• Not caring, indifference, apathy

• Acting jealous
• Treating women as sex objects
• Publicly showing interest in other women/men
• Telling mate about other romantic involvements
• Accusing partner of romantic inclinations
• Harassing mate about imagined romantic involvements
• Stereotyping sex, race, etc.
• Suggesting mate would be or is sexually active with another
• Suggesting mate is less physically attractive than s/he was before or suggesting no one else would want him/her sexually
• Insisting mate dresses in a more sexual way than s/he wants to
• Minimizing the importance of mate's feelings about sex
• Criticizing mate sexually
• Insisting on unwanted and uncomfortable touching
• Withholding affection, sex
• Calling names like "whore" "frigid"
• Forcing mate to take off clothes when she doesn't want to
• Expressing verbally or non-verbally superiority in sex, race, religion, etc.
• Depriving another of privacy
• Inappropriate displays of affection
• Going out with others after agreeing to a monogamous relationship

Sources:
RAVEN, the St. Louis center for the rehabilitation of abusive men;
ALIVE, the St. Louis Center for Victims of Emotional and Physical Violence;
Getting Free by Ginny NiCarthy (Seal Press 1982)