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THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE CHECKLIST

We spent a week turning this into a program for free to help people in abusive situations.
This test and this page are, nevertheless, copyrighted.
If you find them anywhere else on the net, please contact us.
The questions here were supplied by ALIVE and taken from "Getting Free. A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships", by Ginny NiCarthy (Seal Press 1982). While the questions here are very educational and the author's work for years was the primary reference on emotional abuse, Patricia Evans' book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," (1996) is now considered "The Bible" by therapists across the world working with abusers and victims. See her books for a much more complete discussion of abuse, its roots and the various subtle and overt forms it takes.

Fill out the form and at the bottom click the button to submit your answers. A customized results page will be generated for you with explanations for all affirmative answers.

Emotional abuse aims to control or manipulate another person. The damage done to its target is very far-reaching. It should not be taken lightly. If you think your relationship is abusive, you may want to seek help from an expert in abuse. See a therapist in your area who has worked at shelters - therapists untrained in abuse will likely do more harm than good. (Read why). A misconception is that you must be hit before seeking help from a therapist at a shelter - don't wait until then. While emotional abuse doesn't guarantee physical abuse will follow, we know that where there has been physical violence, emotional violence ALWAYS came first.
Customize your results:
In this checklist "partner" will refer to:
(Ex: Tom, Mary. Results are formatted with the name you choose)
ARE YOU ISOLATED?
A. Often Sometimes Never
1. Does your partner ridicule or insult people you like?
2. Is your partner jealous of your friends, family and even pets?
3. Does your partner become angry or upset, dampening your enthusiasm, just before, or during a social event you’ve looked forward to?

4. Does your partner intercept your mail or telephone calls?
B. Often Sometimes Never
5. Do you discourage people from telephoning you at home because your partner resents sharing your time?
6. Do you have fewer contacts and activities with friends and family than before you began the relationship?
7. Do you feel uneasy about being with your partner and your friends at the same time?
8. Do you feel nervous or frightened of what your partner will say or do if you are even a few minutes late from work, shopping, the hairdresser, or visiting others?
IS YOUR ATTENTION MONOPOLIZED BY THE ABUSIVE PERSON?
Often Sometimes Never
9. Do you feel your clothing, opinions or decisions must have your partner's approval?
10. Do you feel overpowered by your partner’s presence whether or not he or she is with you?
11. Do you speak carefully, or avoid speaking, so you won’t risk upsetting your partner?

12. Do you time your activities to avoid their being noticed by your partner?
13. Do you often feel you’re "walking on egg shells?"
DOES YOUR PARTNER CLAIM TO BE ALL POWERFUL?
  Often Sometimes Never
14. Does your partner claim to be exceptionally bright or knowledgeable, or to have extraordinary powers?
15. Does your partner claim to be more aware of the ways of the world than you are?
16. Does your partner claim to have friends and contacts who will report your activities when you are away from home?

17. Does your partner claim to know the "right" way to do things, and that you don’t know what’s "right?"
DOES YOUR PARTNER ENFORCE TRIVIAL DEMANDS?
  Often Sometimes Never
18. Does your partner insist that activities take place in precise ways or at precisely designated times?
19. Does your partner interrupt your work or other things that are important to you, to get her or his needs met?
20. Does your partner demand that you wear only approved clothing, jewelry. etc?
21. Does your partner insist you perform menial services, or inspect your work and make hypercritical comments?

22. Does your partner demand detailed reports of hourly activities?
ARE YOU EXHAUSTED, DEBILITATED OR DEPENDENT?
  Often Sometimes Never
23. Do you feel inadequate doing tasks you used to do easily and well?
24. Do you suffer from minor or major illnesses?
25. Do you have feelings of dread?
26. Do you feel you couldn’t manage your life without your partner?
DO YOU FEEL HUMILIATED OR DEGRADED?
  Often Sometimes Never
27. Does your partner force you to do things that are against your religious or moral values?
28. Does your partner ridicule the traits you admire or value most in yourself?
29. Does your partner tell you no one else would want you?
30. Has your partner talked you into doing something, and then made you feel guilty or ashamed about it?
31. Does your partner keep you up late, asking about real or imagined sexual or romantic incidents?

32. Does your partner force you to apologize for things you didn’t do?
33. Does your partner insist you ask permission to spend money for household or personal items, whether the money is a 'community fund' or your own income?
34. Does your partner call you names with sexual connotations such as "slut" or "whore?"
35. Does your partner flaunt relationships or flirt with others while in your presence?
DOES YOUR PARTNER THREATEN YOU?
  Often Sometimes Never
36. Does your partner threaten to make public the things you’ve done or that you’ve told in private moments?
37. Does your partner threaten to leave you or divorce you, whenever you have arguments?
38. Does your partner tell you that suicide or mental illness will result if you leave or withdraw your love or affection?
39. Does your alcoholic partner hint at the probability of drinking again, unless you do what is required and be certain not to upset him or her?
40. Does your partner threaten to "punish you or teach you a lesson" if you "misbehave?"

41. Does your partner threaten to take your car keys, money or checkbook, if you don’t comply with demands?
42. Does your partner use bodily or facial expressions or noises to show extreme anger and loss of control, in order to frighten you?
43. Has being hit or beaten in the past made you fear it happening again, if you don’t comply?
44. Does your partner keep guns, knives or other weapons close at hand?
DOES YOUR PARTNER OCCASIONALLY INDULGE YOUR WISHES?
  Often Sometimes Never
45. Just as you are thinking of separating, or when you’ve been abused, or for no reason at all, does your partner pamper you with gifts?
46. Does your partner suddenly do something you have been requesting for a long time?
47. Does your partner become unexpectedly understanding about something that would ordinarily cause him or her to exhibit anger?
48. Does your partner impress you with exceptional sensitivity to your feelings and desires?
49. After your partner has "put you down" are you then indulged with affection or special care?
DOES YOUR PARTNER DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL CRAZY?
A. Often Sometimes Never
50. Does your partner suggest you’re "stupid" or "crazy" if you disagree with him or her?
51. Does your partner apologize and say the abuse is a sign of deep love or fear of losing your love?
52. Does your partner insist that the two of you are in a battle against a world full of enemies?
53. After abusing you, does your partner express so much sorrow, guilt or self—hate, that you become the one who comforts your partner?
54. Has your partner burdened you with shameful, embarrassing or criminal secrets, that only you know about?
55. Does your partner lie about insignificant things?
56. Does your partner make contradictory demands?
57. Does your partner contradict the positive things others say about you?
58. Do you or your partner say negative things about a trait you like about yourself, such as "wishy—washy," "intellectual," "stuffy," etc?
59. Does your partner do unrequested favors, then get angry or hurt when you don’t do something in return?
B. Often Sometimes Never
60. Do you distrust your feelings about yourself, your partner or others?
61. Do you feel ashamed of past deeds that once made you proud?
62. Are you afraid no one would like you if they knew the "real you?"
63. Do you believe you’re the only one who can save your partner from ruin, depression, alcoholism, insanity or suicide — and yet, that you’re the dependent one?
64. Does it happen that when you are preparing for an upcoming test, job interview, evaluation, or an important event, you’re distracted and worried by a crisis in your partner’s life or work that seems more important?
65. Does your partner cause you to question your longtime friendships?
66. Are you confused about what is love and what is hate? Or right and wrong?
67. Does your partner bombard you with words, sometimes of many syllables, until you think he or she must know what they’re talking about, and you give in to their position?
IS YOUR PARTNER EMOTIONALLY DISTANT OR NEGLECTFUL?
Does your partner: Often Sometimes Never
68. Ignore you or grunt absentmindedly when you begin a conversation?
69. Groan, complain or ridicule you, when you cry, worry, or ask for emotional support?
70. Refuse to confide in you, when he or she is worried, hurt or scared?
71. Ignore your wish for sex, or refuse to do what excites or satisfies you?
72. Make light of your triumphs, discourage your plans, disparage your success?
73. Refuse to share her or his plans or hopes for success?
74. Ignore your need for assistance when you’re sick, tired or over-scheduled?
Have you: Often Sometimes Never
75. Given up asking your partner for companionship?
76. Stopped asking for empathy or emotional support?
77. Given up asking, when you’re sick, tired or need your partner’s help?
78. Stopped asking your partner about his or her plans, worries, or triumphs?
79. Developed a habit of avoiding sex, whenever possible, but enduring it as a tolerable routine, when it’s unavoidable?

These questions taken from Getting Free.
A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships, by Ginny NiCarthy.
For information and support 24 hours, contact:
ALIVE, Inc.
314-993-2777




   


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