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RELATIONSHIPS: ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ABUSE
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
-- Theodore Roosevelt
After abusive relationships, a lot of men say they have changed. Find out if they really have.
The 3 R's are required for even the possibility of change: Responsibility (admitting exactly the
damage caused), Remorse (sincerely upset for having hurt you), Restitution (paying you back for
every bit of emotional, spiritual, social and physical loss caused.)***
We call this "accountability."
This is the abuse accountability checklist for abuse of women.
A man who
has battered a woman becomes accountable when:
1. He has acknowledged to the battered woman and to their community of friends and family that he has
assaulted and controlled a woman and that he has committed acts of violence against her.
2. He has admitted the pattern of abusive control which tyrannized her.
3. He recognizes that his behavior was unprovoked and inexcusable.
4. He knows his behavior was criminal.
5. He understands his behavior was not caused by stress, chemical dependency, or any other outside factor.
6. He knows he was not out of control.
7. He admits that he intended to control or punish her.
8., He deeply regrets his actions and is horrified.
9. He recognizes the pain and suffering he visited upon her.
10. He accepts full responsibility for his acts.
11. He acknowledges this without expectations of approval from her.
12. He understands he is not entitled to her forgiveness.
13. He recognizes that the woman may never trust him again and may remain afraid of him forever.
14. He can enumerate the losses suffered by her and her family.
15. He does not expect protection for his name.
16. He realizes he needs the help of his family, his friends and his community to prevent further use of violence.
17. He knows that he needs to find others to support him in non—violence.
18. He knows clearly that there is nothing in the relationship or the woman that caused his battery.
19. That he knows he is at risk of battering any woman in the future.
20. And he realizes that the battered woman should not have to hear any of the above points from him, unless she desires to hear it.
In addition,
if the battered woman has left him:
21. He agrees to limit contact with her, her friends and her family.
22. He agrees to stop chasing and tracking her.
23. He agrees to avoid the places she frequents and to provide her with plenty of space away from him.
24. He agrees to stop collecting information about her.
25. He understands he needs to pay restitution, which could mean child support and alimony or counseling if she desires and he agrees to support her in this restitution as long as she needs it to replace the losses she has sustained.
26. And, finally, he refuses to manipulate their children to discredit her.
When you, as a man who has battered a woman, can do all of the above, then and only then are you accountable to the woman you have battered, to battered women as a group, and to yourself.
Printed with permission of ALIVE.
For information and support 24 hours, contact:
ALIVE, Inc.
314-993-2777
(Thanks to Barbara Hart, PCADV)
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