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VIOLENCE - THE DENIAL, THE DEVASTATION, THE REAL DEFINITION
Violence is a violation of self,
boundaries, body, spirit, mind, space, property or other properties.
Claudia Williamson, LCSW
It is unbelievably common for women to think "I don't have it that bad.... " OR "I don't live with a
violent man." We all saw the women in the
posters with black eyes and maybe we never had black eyes.
It certainly didn't happen often. Often, it is about once a year.
"I'm not being abused!" we say.
The term "battered" doesn't "fit" - battered women
get beaten all the time, right?
Wrong!
RAVEN's definition of battering doesn't even necessitate PHYSICAL violence.
"We think it is very important to stress that the
abuse in a battering relationship consists of more than isolated episodes of physical violence. We define abuse as any behavior
which controls or dominates another person; or inhibits another from making an autonomous choice. This may include
lying, isolating, name-calling, or other verbal abuse. We name violence as any behavior which causes fear in another
person. This may include threats, yelling, or outright physical violence. An important feature of these definitions is that the
intention of the one doing the abuse doesn't matter. It is the experience of being afraid or of being controlled that names an
action as violence or abuse."
Violence destroys the very foundation of a relationship. Trust.
A therapist who runs a rehab group for abusive men explained
to me how it works: "Let's say you have a business partner and whenever you
get together you yell and scream but you usually reach a decision. But one day in the midst of yelling and
screaming your partner pulls out a gun and says 'Do you see things my way now?' Of course, you comply. You have
been physically threatened.
"The next time she reaches for that gun how are you going to respond? Calmly? Or with fear? Of course, with fear.
Before long, all she has to do is put her hand near where she keeps her gun and you are going to react with fear.
That's how violence works in a relationship. It only has to happen once and its controlling effects have taken root.
The seed of fear has been planted and the relationship will never be the same again."
Verbal or emotional violence always precedes actual physical violence.
When the verbal or emotional abuse is perpetrated by someone physically bigger and
stronger it always represents a potential for violence and is seriously traumatizing to
the victim.
This therapist's experience has shown that once someone has crossed that line the
relationship is over. There never will be a fully
healthy relationship again.
The good news is, of course, that there are such "rehab" groups in operation and they have been very successful.
RAVEN,
which caught national attention in a Reader's Digest article, is one.
Have a look at their web site - particularly the
link to the women's page.
Sources:
RAVEN ;
Claudia Williamson, LCSW ;
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