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Signs that He Might Be Abusive
He's so cute, you know you love him and he can be sooooooo sweet.... sometimes. Is he
marriage material or will he be an abuser once you are "trapped" with children?
Abusive people have a poor sense of boundaries. Perhaps theirs were invaded constantly
as children - and no one intervened to say it was wrong - so they grew up really having
no idea where their personal space and boundaries begin and end. That means they won't
have any respect for yours, either - and less and less so over time, as they become more
comfortable with you. Watch for these signs that may indicate abuse in the future:
1. Intrusion - he constantly wants to know your whereabouts, who you were with, where you were going, when you are coming home.
Examples: Constant phone calls; showing up at a friend's house unexpectedly. At first this makes you feel missed and cared for, but in actuality, these are signs of his suspicion and distrust.
2. Isolation - spending all or the majority of your time alone together, cutting you off from friends and family, making fun of any activities, books or clubs you are interested in.
Examples: Calling friends "sluts", "stupid", or other derogatory names, discouraging you from keeping in touch with family; discouraging you from doing activities apart. This makes you feel wanted and needed because he devotes all his time to you. Actually, this cuts down on your resources (friends and family), so when you really need them, they may not be there.
3. Possession and Jealousy - constant accusations of sexual interactions with anyone in your life (teachers, bosses, counselors, friends, etc.), accusing you of flirting, monitoring what you wear, how you wear it, how much makeup you put on.
Examples: "I want you to be all mine", "I don't want any other guys looking at you", "You look like a whore with all that makeup on".
This is treating you like an object, not a human being.
4. Prone to Anger - easily angered, quick mood changes, unpredictable behavior, anger out of proportion to the incident.
Examples: His anger is directed toward a pet, possessions, objects -- he might kick your dog, tear up some of your pictures, you show up five minutes late and he is overly angry. It is important not to ignore what may seem like small overreactions. It is not acceptable for someone to use aggression to get a point across. Just because men are almost expected to be more violent, it does not mean it's OK.
5. Unknown Pasts and Respect for Women - Do you know about his past girlfriends, his family upbringing, his relationships with his mother and other women? How does he refer to women - "bitches", sex objects? Does he respect any women in his life? How do his friends look at women? Does he believe in stereo typic male/female roles?
6. He lacks a normal sense of Physical Boundaries - Does he think it's "cute" to headlock you? Does he pull or push on you or prevent you from leaving? Has he ever taken against your will something
you were carrying? Has he ever forced ahead while kissing or necking even though
you said No?
Boys who are raised to respect the boundaries of others don't do these things.
If he doesn't have a good sense of where your space and rights begin, over time his invasions will become more severe.
Sources:
Claudia Williamson, LCSW ,
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ALIVE |
