| Aren't
there also battered husbands? |
- Yes, and for every battered husband there are at least ten
battered women. Battered women receive greater physical injury.
A man's physical size and strength produce a physical advantage.
- Women usually use violence as a self defense, and when women
fight back they generally sustain three times the degree of injury
that their male partner does.
|
| Doesn't
she sometimes provoke the beating by nagging and arguing? |
It is possible to provoke anger in someone else. How they
express that anger (i.e., violent behavior) is the responsibility
of the violent person. People in relationships have arguments
and disagreements; that's part of living together with another
person. Mature people work things out peacefully.
There is no justification for using violence as a way of
expressing anger or getting what you want. Violence does nothing
to solve the disagreement. Healthy adults resolve difference
through negotiation, not battering.
|
| Why
aren't the police doing something about this? |
One option is to have the batterer arrested, however, it
won't take him long to get out of jail and the beatings may be
worse because he is angry at her for having him arrested.
The police may be able to stop a man from beating a woman
at that time but they can do little to prevent further battering
incidents after they leave.
Police do respond to the calls. Nearly one- half of police
calls are related to family violence.
|
| Are batterers crazy? |
Men who batter are generally normal psychologically.
Most batterers grew up in homes that were violent and they
learned to use violence in their relationships.
Often the beatings are very controlled, for example, a husband
who beats his pregnant wife only in the stomach, or only below
the neck where the bruises won't show when she goes to work.
He knows what he is doing and is responsible for his actions.
|
| Why
do men beat? |
Often no one tells him that he can't. He feels it is a man's
right!
It is the only way he knows to handle stress, or to handle
problems.
He often has low self-esteem. When he is violent he feels
powerful and in control.
|
| Is
alcohol involved in battering relationships? |
Alcohol is often used to excuse the beating by both the batterer
and the battered woman. Often this is the problem for which treatment
is sought.
Many battering incidents do not involve the use of alcohol
at all, but some men batter both when sober and drunk.
When alcohol is involved, the severity of the battering is
usually greater, and if the woman drinks, the injuries she sustains
are more acute since the alcohol weakens her body.
|
| Why
does she stay? |
She may be afraid to leave. He may threaten to kill her or
harm the children or her family if she leaves. She may have left
before and the beatings were worse after he found her.
She may not know where to go or who to turn to for help.
Most likely she has isolated herself from family and friends
or he may have threatened them, or family/friends may not be
helpful allies to her.
Often she feels responsible for the violence and believes
if she could change her behavior the beatings would cease.
He is not always violent. Particularly after a violent episode,
he may be very loving, remorseful and apologetic. She loves him
and wants him to be this way all the time.
She may be financially unable to leave. If she leaves, she
often has to support the children on her own. Also housing is
limited and expensive. The reality is that women do not make
as much money as men. Fifty percent of single mothers have incomes
below the poverty level.
Remember that he stays in the marriage also. He could divorce
her or leave when he is angry. But he stays to control her and
exert his force and abuse.
She may be afraid of the unknown. She knows she is miserable
in the relationship, but she may be fearful of being unable to
make it alone. After years of abuse, her self-confidence is severely
eroded.
She feels responsible for all relationships and her family.
She is responsible for fixing what is wrong and feels she has
failed if violence continues. Women are taught to be responsible
for their families and to keep the family together at all
costs.
|
| What
can I do if I know someone who is being abused? |
First, let her know it is okay to talk about it. Listen to
her. Let her know you care and are concerned for her safety.
Tell her where she can get help. Remember, you can't make her
leave. She must make that decision herself.
|
