ANGER MANAGEMENT
"Calmness of the mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of
long and patient effort in self control...The calm man, having learned how to govern himself,
knows how to adapt himself to others. The more tranquil a man becomes,
the greater his success, his influence, and his power for good."
-- Dr. Phillip Welsh author of Seven Essentials of Health
See Also Rage and Raging - Abuse is NOT an anger management problem. See note below
I just returned from looking at the aquaducts in the south of France built by the Romans 2000 years ago. That took a lot of energy. That kind of energy is generated by testosterone, the same hormone men and women need to get aggressive to get things done or to get angry to protect themselves when lower-level needs are truly threatened.
But psychologists say that people who are easily angered generally have
a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel
that they should not have to be subjected to frustration,
inconvenience, or annoyance or the normal day-to-day encumbrances that all humans face.
Emotionally mature people accept these things and take them in stride, for the most part and save anger for the big stuff ("pick your battles").
The person with an anger problem feels abnormally stressed most of the time.
Making the distinction between situations that require anger for protection and annoyances that simply require a deep breath is a skill. It can be learned, and it can save families, health and careers.
Anger is normal and a healthy energizing response to real intrustions.
Coworkers and people in our lives can cross our boundaries,
we can drive 10 miles to pick up something only to find it's not there and we
weren't called. Working in a hostile environment where emotional abuse is tolerated, over time will produce anger in most people. And memories of traumatic events can also trigger temporary angry feelings.
Anger is a normal feeling in response to situations like these.
Anger that lasts too long or happens too frequently can indicate a need to learn anger management skills. |
Easily angered people don't always curse
and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk,
or get physically ill.
Research has found that,
typically, people who are easily angered come
from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Unfortunately, growing up we often learn it is NOT correct to express anger
or even feel angry. Some of us learn it is not OK to express our real feelings
(Real men don't cry) but observe our parents expressing plenty of anger.
As a result some of us don't learn constructive anger management skills at all.
Here are some signs of the need for anger management:
- Cussing or swearing a lot, using high drama descriptions
- Feeling frustrated a lot
- Constantly putting others down
- Criticizing everything
- A low ability to put oneself in another person's feelings
- Chronically irritable or grumpy
- Seeing the dark side of things more often than the bright side
- Often making cynical comments
- Often thinking or saying, "That's horrible."
- Often thinking or saying, "Everything's ruined."
- Often thinking or saying, "That g**d** boss/machine/person."
- Often reacting with high drama
- Often using "always" or "never" about yourself or others
- Often demanding and expecting (instead of asking and waiting) to get something from someone- or get something done by someone
- Often responding to hurts with anger instead of responding with hurt
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Not surprisingly, people who have trouble managing anger aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Anger management strategies include a restructuring
of the way one views and thinks about life situations - and more. Here are some
widely-recommended anger management approaches -see links below for more details:
- Relaxation daily. One needs to control the physical response as well as the emotional.
Meditation, prayer, relaxation techniques - all serve to lower the heart rate.
- Soothe yourself throughout the day: Say "Relax, you're OK, everything's going to be
all right, take it easy."
- Replace cussing and high drama with non-intense words: "It's just a little frustrating
but we'll fix it,"
or "It's not the end of the world."
- Learn good communication skills - you might be saying things that unwittingly cause
some of your own frustrations. See verbalabuse.com, or look for "conflict resolution techniques" books and web sites.
- Replace emotion with logical observation: "The toaster broke. I need to put that on my list."
- Start using positive expressions: "We'll get there", "Inch by inch it's a cinch." "What can
I accomplish with this extra time?"
- Don't demand, ask and don't expect, listen: "Would you have time to do such and such?"
- Say "I would like" instead of "I must have." "I would like" mentally gives you more time to get it, reducing frustration.
- Postpone problem-solving, you don't need to find a solution this minute. Be like Scarlett O'Hara. Say, "Oh well I'll think about that tomorrow."
- Postpone responses in conversations. Physically stop your tongue and breath.
Especially in heated discussions. You don't need
to say anything at all. Say, "I'm thinking about it" or "I need more time to digest that," or "Interesting, I'll have to think about that."
- Develop empathy. When someone criticizes you focus on them and their feelings and
try to imagine how they are feeling. The ability to empathize with others quickly on the
spot is the hallmark of emotional maturity.
- Make humor a priority. Read jokes, watch funny movies, try to incorporate laughing into
your daily routine. This diffuses situations that used to make you tense and defensive.
- Eliminate sarcasm and sarcastic humor from your mind and your daily exposure.
- Give yourself a break - especially after work. Transition time alone will go a long way
to help you remember all of the above.
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When you have a situation that legitimately has caused you anger, here is
a quick lesson on how to handle it constructively, describe and set boundaries:
For example, say to the person: When you (do a behavior),
I feel (stressed, scared, frustrated, overwhelmed) , and to protect myself I will _________(leave the house, ask you to stop...).
Living with chronic anger is miserable, but it's worse for those around you. Fortunately,
it's easy to fix! Why not get started today with a positive attitude and a relaxed approach to life?
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to
futility and unhappiness....to live we had to be free of anger."
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
(And it might be added that many recovering alcoholics discover once they stop drinking that they need to make huge environmental changes in their lives, too!)
(Note: Although raging is abusive, anger management training will not help men and women who are abusers of wives and children. Rehab, of the sort that Lundy Bancroft runs, is the only known effective rehabilitation for these people because they believe in a power hierarchy based on size that gives them "rights". )
Sources and Links:
American Psychological Association - Anger Strategies,
;
Recovery Man - a FABULOUS site!,
;
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
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